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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27733084">are you afraid of living life in bold?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/katlightage/pseuds/katlightage'>katlightage</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Compliant, Emails, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV Bram Greenfeld, Pre-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:22:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,187</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27733084</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/katlightage/pseuds/katlightage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Now that I know that you’re a real person, though—someone who goes to my school and could know me—I feel more exposed. What if you figure out who I am? What if I figure out who you are? I don’t think I can send this. I don’t want to scare you away before I even get the chance to know you.<br/>---<br/>Bram's thoughts throughout SVTHSA, shown through his unsent emails.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>are you afraid of living life in bold?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this on Thanksgiving to escape my family, and I just wanted to get it posted, so I apologize for any mistakes :,)</p>
<p>Title from "the author" by Luz. This was inspired by "heart that beats so slow" by playwright, which is linked at the bottom.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Aug 24 at 3:57 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Hi.</p>
<p>Hi. I’m so out of my element right now. I always know what to say. Words are kind of my thing. I have no idea what to say. I can’t believe someone actually read my post. I can’t believe you actually left your email. I can’t believe I’m going to email you. Not yet though.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Aug 26 at 4:10 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Hi.</p>
<p>Hi, it’s me. From the Tumblr post. I’m so bad at this. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Aug 27 at 11:47 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Hi.</p>
<p>I can’t fall asleep because I’ve been trying to draft this email in my head all night. I told myself I had to reply within a week of you commenting, and that’s officially in 13 minutes. You have no idea how nervous I am. I’m pressing send on the next email, and that’s final.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Aug 28 at 3:46 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Hi.</p>
<p>I can’t believe you replied. I have to be honest, I don’t really know what I’m doing here. I’m still nervous. I don’t think you’d out me, seeing as you just told me you’re in the closet, too. I guess when you were just a random comment, it was easy to think of you as some person on the internet. Now that I know that you’re a real person, though—someone who goes to my school and could know me—I feel more exposed. What if you figure out who I am? What if I figure out who you are? I don’t think I can send this. I don’t want to scare you away before I even get the chance to know you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Sept 5 at 7:36 AM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: a fortnight from hell</p>
<p>So you’re a junior, too? I guess that’s something we’d never talked about. It’s so strange. We were sitting in the same section during the assembly yesterday and I wouldn’t be able to point you out if someone asked. I think this is what I was talking about on Tumblr. There wouldn’t be this sense of anonymity if everyone knew everything about everyone. I don’t know if that’s reassuring or not. I just feel like I already know so much about you even though we’ve only been emailing a week, yet we could’ve been friends for years and I wouldn’t know. This might be too much to send. I don’t think you planned for an existential crisis as a response to your story.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Sept 22 at 4:34 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: In honor of the first day of autumn… </p>
<p>Jacques, I think I’m falling for you. I’m serious.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Oct 2 at 1:26 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: god help me</p>
<p>I hope you know, I saw the notification for your email during algebra and asked to be excused to the bathroom so I could sneak into the library to read it. I’m obviously not planning on replying right away—what if we have class together?—but I wouldn’t have been able to focus until I opened your email. This is what you do to me, Jacques. </p>
<p>I don’t mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Oct 12 at 8:48 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Death by embarrassment.</p>
<p>My mom saw me smiling at my phone during dinner—we have a strict no phone policy at the table—and instead of scolding me, she just smiled. You know that smile parents have when they know something we thought we were successfully keeping from them? Yes, it was that smile. Of course, she probably thinks you’re a girl, but it made me feel like I was so transparent. Can everyone at school tell? I think my best friend might suspect something, although if he asked, I could just tell him I’m excited about SAT prep classes and I’m sure he’d believe me. I don’t know if I like that or not. Anyways, if you see anyone at school with a neon sign above their head saying “I have a massive crush on Jacques,” that’ll be me. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Oct 16 at 5:17<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: when you knew</p>
<p>My sexual awakening? Funny you ask. I think I knew in 7th grade, but I really <em>knew</em> freshman year after talking to this boy during a genetics lab. Simon Spier. Do you know him? Knowing Simon, he probably knows you. </p>
<p>Here’s the thing. Part of me wants you to be him so desperately. A lot of what you say lines up to the—admittedly little—I know about Simon’s life, and you tell stories in the same way. At lunch, he’s always turning the most mundane, boring events into whole productions, and you do that, too. I know my evidence is flimsy—a good storyteller, likes Harry Potter an almost excessive amount, and possibly has multiple sisters—but you can’t blame me for being hopeful. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Oct 31 at 8:07 AM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: hollow wieners</p>
<p>“Disappointedly yours.” I know you were joking, but what if? I know I’m the one being more secretive about my identity, but some days I just want to scream from the rooftops that I’m Blue, just for the chance to actually be yours.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Nov 2 at 1:48 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Reese’s are better than sex</p>
<p>I can’t believe I told you to stop having hetero sex. I don’t even know what I was thinking. I guess a part of me wanted to know if you’ve had sex before. Actually, since I’m not planning on sending this, I don’t need to lie. I definitely wanted to know if you’ve ever had sex before. I think I’ll be jealous if you say you have. I know it doesn’t really count since it would’ve been with a girl. I liked thinking we were on the same page, I guess. Maybe I’m hoping I’ll be your first time. God. I’m in way too deep, Jacques. (No, not like that. Mind out of the gutter.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Nov 15 at 7:16 AM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Sweet tooth?</p>
<p>Please reply, please reply, please reply. I threw my phone across the room after I sent that email last night, in case you were wondering. I’m so nervous, Jacques. I hope I didn’t cross a line. I know we’ve been a bit more… flirtatious lately. Please just tell me it’s not a joke to you, that it might mean something, that we might mean something.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Nov 17 at 8:16<br/>
SUBJECT: This is going straight into my drafts.</p>
<p>If you are who I think, hope, dream you are… Happy birthday, Simon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Nov 18 at 8:03 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Why why why?</p>
<p>You think I’m cute and grammatical, too, which is a relief. I don’t think you understand, though, just how cute I think you are, Jacques. I think about you all the time. When I’m dreaming, when I’m at practice, when I’m in class, when I’m doing my homework, when I’m in the shower, when I’m in bed. You’re all-consuming. And now you’re telling me that you ate too much sugar yesterday when I know that you ate too much of the cake Leah brought you. And that your parents make you watch reality TV when I know there’s a Spier family tradition of watching the Bachelorette. I’ve been trying to separate Jacques and Simon because I don’t want to be disappointed if you turn out to not be him. It’s so hard though. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me if you’re not him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Nov 26 at 7:18 AM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: happy dead turkey day</p>
<p>Jacques, I can’t even put into words how thankful I am for you. Even if you don’t turn out to be Simon, even if you don’t end up wanting to be more than friends, even if you don’t mean anything by your flirting, even if you get tired of me wanting to stay anonymous and stop talking to me, I’m so thankful for you. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Dec 9 at 5:16 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Coming Out Thing</p>
<p>If I was upset about not coming out to my dad, I’m not anymore. I don’t think you know just how much you gave away when you mentioned Mr. Wise and your sentence fragments. Of course you don’t know, but I sit right across the aisle from you in class. I’ve heard Mr. Wise talking to you about your sentence fragments. You don’t even know how happy I am, Simon. For months, I’ve been hoping Jacques was you, and for weeks it’s seemed more and more likely. Now, though… I haven’t stopped smiling for the past half hour.</p>
<p>I know you didn’t mean to tell me about Mr. Wise, but now I feel like I have to tell you something about me. That’s why I told you I freeze up around cute guys. Maybe you’ll notice how shy I am around you compared to how I am with Garrett and Nick. I know it’s vague, but I’m still too nervous to give you something obvious. Plus, I want you to be looking for Blue to be me. But maybe that’s unfair. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Dec 14 at 12:15 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: out and about</p>
<p>I want you to know who I am so badly. I hope you could tell how serious I was at the end of my last email. I don’t want to think about sex with anyone but you, no matter how much that statement makes me blush. And if only you knew how serious I am about my type being you. It has been for years, but back then it was just from afar. Now that I know you, though—your favorite music to listen to during class when you can get away with it, how shy you get when anyone brings up Daniel Radcliffe because you don’t want your face to give anything away, the fact that you secretly love reality TV—I don’t know how my type could be anything else. Maybe someday I’ll actually get to tell you all this. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Dec 20 at 1:47 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Oh baby</p>
<p>Please just don’t pay attention to the fact that I signed the last email with “love” even though I’ve been planning on doing that for weeks I didn’t think it through maybe this wasn’t the right time oh no what if you don’t say it back not that I said I love you or anything because I don’t know if I do yet but I’m definitely getting there and I really want you to say it back please say it back so I can stop panicking and start using punctuation again</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Dec 22 at 7:58 AM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: The Homo Sapiens Agenda</p>
<p>I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m ready for that. Definitely someday. Maybe even soon. I just don’t want to do anything that could change what we have now, and I don’t know if you’d want to continue if you knew who I am. I don’t want to tell you that, though, because you make me want to be brave, so I don’t want you to think I’m just an anxious, self conscious mess.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Dec 26 at 10:46 AM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Daydreams… and the like</p>
<p>Why am I able to tell you that I like thinking about you fantasizing about sex and tell you that I only think about sex with you and tell you that I think about you during daydreams and the like and yet I can’t tell you:</p>
<p>1. That I know who you are?<br/>
2. Who I am?</p>
<p>I’m just not there yet. I have to admit, though, when you said we could sneak away together for Christmas next year, it pushed me ever so slightly closer to being ready. I promise you’ll know who I am by next Christmas. I know that’s insanely far from now, but even if things between us don’t work out in the way I want, I’ll still tell you who I am, who I was, who I could’ve been. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 5 at 9:45 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Snow!</p>
<p>I’m sorry about your day. And I’m sorry I’m probably about to make it worse.<br/>
wtf bram you can’t say it like that</p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 5 at 9:49 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Snow!</p>
<p>I wish I could do something to help. It sounds like you had a shitty day, and you have every right to be upset about it. Especially because I think I know why you’re so upset. I’m so sorry, Simon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 6 at 8:45<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Really?</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 6 at 9:05<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Really?</p>
<p>I’ve been sitting at my computer with my hands hovering over the keyboard for the past 20 minutes. Normally typing a shitty draft or two helps me figure out what to say, but I can’t even do that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 6 at 9:23<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Really?</p>
<p>I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong person. Um. I don’t really know what to say. I’m sorry that I’m not him, I guess. I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed when you find out who I really am. Please don’t be disappointed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 12 at 4:08<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Really?</p>
<p>You don’t know how much it killed me to see “—” in place of “Love.” I know I stopped signing my name with it first, but it feels final now. And for you to imply that I might not find you attractive is absolutely ridiculous, Simon. Do you know how often your eyes or your hair or your smile or your hands or your mouth <em>haunts</em> my thoughts? I just can’t email you knowing you’ve been thinking of me as Cal Price for who knows how long. I’m so sorry.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 16 at 9:45 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: I’m sorry.</p>
<p>Simon, I’m so sorry I haven’t been emailing you. Part of me thinks you figured out who I was based on my number, or you recognized my handwriting somehow, or Garrett let it slip that my stepmom was pregnant and you put together who I am and now you’re not interested. The rational side of me knows you’re better than to just ghost me, but it’s hard to be rational right now. I know I’m not who you wanted me to be, so I understand if you don’t want anything more than friendship from me. I’m not going to lie and say it won’t hurt, but I’ll get over it somehow.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 18 at 12:09 AM<br/>
SUBJECT: Moving on.</p>
<p>Simon, I’m sorry I’m not brave enough to tell you who I am. I want to. I almost have a few times, but I can’t bring myself to. If you want to be with Cal, I’m going to have to learn to be okay with that. He was able to do what I couldn’t and actually tell you how he felt, and for that, I’m happy for you two. </p>
<p>It’s my birthday, by the way. 118. January 18th. Leah will bring a cake at lunch. At this point, I don’t know if I want you to connect the dots or not.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 20 at 7:58 AM<br/>
SUBJECT: Definitely not moving on.</p>
<p>Please text me Simon. I don’t want to sound desperate, but I really, truly am. Please, even if you’re texting to end whatever we have. I just need to know. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 21 at 1:20 AM<br/>
SUBJECT: Goodbye, I guess.</p>
<p>You’ve had my number for a week and a half, and you haven’t texted me. I know what that means, as much as it hurts. I guess I’m going to stop typing and not sending these increasingly depressing emails. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 22 at 9:34 AM<br/>
SUBJECT: Truth time.</p>
<p>I know I said I was going to stop writing these drafts, but I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about this, and this way I can at least pretend I’m still talking to you. I think I’m in love with you, Simon. If you knew that, maybe you’d think it was ridiculous, because we really haven’t had a conversation aside from these emails. I can’t describe it, though. Maybe if I cared about you less, I’d be able to talk about it more. I don’t know. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 25 at 7:48 PM<br/>
SUBJECT: Re: Us.</p>
<p>I don’t have reception so I don’t know if this is even going to go through, but I’m on my way to find you. Please don’t leave, Simon. I’ll be there soon. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com<br/>
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com<br/>
DATE: <em>[Draft]</em> Jan 28 at 6:34<br/>
SUBJECT: All in.</p>
<p>Simon, </p>
<p>It’s pretty fitting that you became my boyfriend exactly five months after you emailed me for the first time. To think I’ve spent two years falling for you from afar, five months falling for you over the internet, and three days falling for you up close. No matter how this ends, you are always going to be my greatest love story.</p>
<p>Love,<br/>
Bram</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Inspired by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/14291433">heart that beats so slow</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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